theycalledmeacurse | Station 72 >> Mental Link

( So, we're splitting the group-- right around the time a bunch of newbies are coming around, too. )

[Shepard's tone is casual, almost pleased, as if someone who had predicted a problem privately was now seeing the outcome of another person's belated recognition: schadenfreude, the story of her life. The fires are banked today, the mountain sleeps.]

( What's your take on this? )

( My take? It's a good idea. )

[ Shepard's tone makes her think of a cat, one that's just polished off a bird that hadn't been quick enough to escape. Her own is more complex, layers of emotion stacked atop one another until they blend together in a jumbled mess. ]

( Not everyone is cut out for stealth and spywork, and this isn't the time for newcomers to try learning. )

( Agreed. You ask me, the organizational logistics on this whole mission were kind of out of line. We ought to have specialized better, had more placements. Fewer people into a covert situation they didn't have experience with. )

[She counts herself in that number, as well. Shepard thinks she's done very well indeed to hold up her end of this charade for more than a month's time. She's never been accomplished at being anything but herself.]

( What about you, you heading back up top? )

( ...I don't know. )

[ The words are rough like sandpaper, not in sound but feeling. A coarseness and reluctance because she knows what she wants, she's just not sure if she should be allowed to have it. ]

( I have the experience for it, I worked intelligence during the war back home. I don't want to abandon the mission when I might be able to help, but... But I'm also tired, and I'm not as strong as I used to be. I might be a liability if I stay. )

[ And she wants to go. ]

( You want my opinion? )

[The sense of Shepard's thoughts manages to somehow convey both a willingness to be turned down and a confidence that she won't be. Commander Shepard rarely hears a "no" that sticks, after all.]

( Please. )

[ Of course she wants to know what the other woman has to say about all this. Shepard's opinion is something Rogue values, and she wouldn't have given such an honest answer if she hadn't wanted feedback on it. ]

( This situation is gonna have less give in it, and if it goes bad, it's going to go really fast. That happens, it is not an unrealistic expectation to imagine the station leaving everyone behind, who's still on the planet. )

[Shepard knows her suicide missions, and while she never views a situation as unwinnable, there's no reason not to stack the deck in their favor when the stakes are win or die trying.]

( So, if you're not a hundred percent committed, you might want to sit this one out. No reason they can't call people back down if they really need the extra hands. )

[ They're good points, all of them. Pragmatic and logical, a no-nonsense approach to the situation that she appreciates. Still-- ]

( It wouldn't be the first time I've been left behind. )

[ It slips out before she can think to stop it, but she doesn't linger there. The subject has come up before, briefly, and she doesn't expect it to matter much to anyone else. ]

( But thank you, sugar. I think I needed someone to tell me it's okay to make that decision. )

( I'm not personally a big fan of leaving a bunch of people to die, but sometimes that's the way the math works out. )

[A snatch of memory, a voice oddly doubled on itself, like a rasping echo; A million die over here so that a billion get to live on. How do you do it? It's gone before it even acquires so much character as to even ascribe to the speaker a particular mood.]

( Ultimately, it's up to you whether you think you'll be more valuable on the ground or not. Me, I'm headed back. This isn't a situation that calls for anything I've got to offer. )

[ That memory filters briefly to Rogue, tugging at something in her that she keeps behind closed curtains. This isn't the time for all of that, she has enough on her plate with making what should be a simple decision. ]

( Is it okay to be selfish in a situation like this? I'd committed myself to this new life, it's my purpose now, but-- I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not ready for this. )

[ She tries to keep her emotions level, to not let any of the anxiety and distress she's feeling rise to the surface, but there are bound to be glimpses through the cracks in her shielding. The events of the past few days have rattled her in a way she hadn't expected, stirring up those old memories and proving just how much of the war she still needs to work through before she's anything resembling mentally healthy. ]

( Well, first of all, you're asking me for a morality call, and that's your first mistake. )

[The joke is automatic, and heartfelt. Shepard laughs because it is genuinely laughable that this kind of thing is what her opinion counts for, even now.]

( If we are asking me, it's selfish if you're just leaving because you don't want to die. But most people like to put that bar a little lower than I do, so... Put it this way, purely by numbers, what constitutes an acceptable loss here? Half the hosts? But it's not like numbers are all that matter here. )

[The sensation of spread hands, of a war table diagram, projected in three dimensions, changing over time, maps and symbols and little figures, numbers, losses creeping like a fungus across the world. You lose every battle, but every battle you lose by a little less. One day, you'll start winning, and that's when the tide turns back again.]

( We don't have a lot of covert operatives, but I'm given to understand that quality is more important than quantity, there. Still, if every single one of them dies in one sweep, that's not an acceptable loss. )

[Therefore, it's not an acceptable risk, some part of he whispers in Rogue's ear.]

( You can justify leaving or staying however the hell you want. There's a risk of absolute failure either way, and you don't get to know the outcome of the choice before you make it. So make it. Feeling guilty about having a preference is a waste of time. )

[ It's not really what Rogue was looking for, but she hadn't explained the question well in the first place. She's not worried about dying; she'd rather not, of course, but if it happens... well, she'd spent years wishing for it already. The prospect of losing lives is a terrible one, but also one that she's accepted - this is war, after all.

That last part, though-- Feeling guilty about having a preference is a waste of time. That's something she needed to hear, a message that resonates within her. She runs her hands through her hair, crosses her arms, shifts her weight, all physical responses to emotionally grappling with the decision she has to make.

And then she makes it. ]

( Thank you, sugar. )

[ Her mind settles like the calm after a storm, everything returning to stillness after chaos. There's even a tiny bit of peace there. ]

( I'll go back to the station. It's the best choice for everyone, including myself. )

( Decisive. I like it. )

[The twist she puts on that is an empty implication, merely a flirt, and a not particularly focused one, rather than a genuine implication of sexual desire. Had Shepard been speaking aloud, the difference would have been undetectable-- like this, it's readily apparent.]

[ It's enough to shift Rogue's mood, tilting it into lighter territory as the feeling of a laugh rises up with her response. ]

( Glad to hear it. What other things do you 'like'? )

[ Her own flirting in return is conversational, the way she used to be with so many people back before the war. Now isn't the time for anything else, and she's not so certain she could manage it right now regardless. ]

( Cute accents, a nice ass, you know. )

[A flash of long flank, strong and swift. The flash of blue. Shepard suppresses it as swiftly as she blocks it; the memory is a suggestion, an impression not even an image.]

( The usual. )

[ Sam might not have known Rogue very long, but what he does know resonates deep, and she matters in a way he suspects she doesn't really know.

Or maybe she does, considering he was in her nightmares and they'd fought to keep everyone safe from the fire together, but still.

It doesn't feel like it's been only a few days since the Soldier tried to kill her, but that's all the more reason he reaches out to her. With everyone going on, they haven't had a chance to talk, and he wants to know how she is on top of what she thinks about the option before them. ]

( Hey, darling. How you doing? )

TOUCH hesitant longing	FIGHT for the future
HOPE still holding on	FEAR history repeating

Station 72 >> Mental Link

Day 41

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